No Soap, Radio!

“I love talking about nothing. It's the only thing I know anything about." — Oscar Wilde

Why the friendzone is bullshit and self-proclaimed "nice guys" are misogynists

angels-and-angles:

As defined by urban dictionary, the friendzone is…

“When you are expected to support a girl you really like while she searches for a smarter, richer, and more handsome boyfriend. There is little you can do without feeling like a dick. All in all, one of the meanest things a girl can do, whether they mean it or not.”

and ”The perennial location of nice guys everywhere.”

Although this hypothetical situation could work both ways, friendzone is almost always applied to a man who is rejected by a woman. Therefore, there is something inherently unequal, something inherently sexist about the term “friendzone”. But what and why?

From my experience, this is what friend zone is. A “nice guy” pursues a woman, but isn’t forward with his intentions from the get-go like, say, a “jerk”. The woman is pleased to see a man who is interested in her not as a sexual object but as a human being and wishes for things to stay that way. The man is not satisfied with seeing the woman as a human being because being “expected to support a girl” is a bad deal if she’s not putting out.

Before I delve into the sociological aspects of this, I just want to point out that ”friendzone” is no more pleasant for a woman than it is a man. First, that is to say unrequited love works both ways, but the person who doesn’t return affections is considered mean only when she’s a woman. And second, what option does the woman have in a traditional “friendzone” situation? Just stop talking to a close friend to avoid “leading him on”? In high school, I found out my best friend of 2 years liked me. Having to tell him I didn’t feel the same way and being immediately ex-communicated via Facebook status (“Thanks for wasting my time”) was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. Were our two years of friendship invalid because I didn’t want anything more? Was all our time together really wasted because there was no hypothetical pay off?

Guys who do this and claim to be “nice guys” are the worst misogynists because of their sense of entitlement toward a woman.They make investments in property and expect their dividends. They are fake friends. They are selfish. And they will jump at the chance to vilify you and victimize themselves when their attempts at manipulation don’t work. Clearly, “friendzone” is the remnant of a phenomenon that has plagued women since the beginning of time: women are not independent creatures. Our love lives exist only in the context of a man’s desire. When we make independent decisions, we are subject to a host of derogatory terms. “Slut” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “yes”. “Friendzone” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “no”.

Whoa now. Hold on. If there’s a guy who ever says “thanks for wasting my time” to his FRIEND, because she won’t sleep with him, I’ll punch him in his stupid dumbface face.

I’ve been friendzoned. I’m going to use the term, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. I remember the moment in 4th grade when I realized I was all fluttery for this girl.

I spent years saying not a damn thing to her about it. Because c’mon, I was like 10. Well, I was 10 for a year. Overall, I was a wuss.

We were friends—initially by corollary, due to a mutual family friend—but I remember feeling something drop out of my gut when she started “dating” someone in that essentially meaningless way that happens in sixth grade.

In high school, I saw her become enamoured of a guy or two, before meeting The One. I think we were in Grade 11 when I emailed her (oh, Hotmail. How many teenage love letters passed your way?) and bared my soul. The response was love for me, as a friend. As a brother.

Boom. Friendzone. I didn’t have that term back then, but that was it all over.

Oh, but right. The One. She started dating him a few months before I poured my heart out in email form—I should have used emoticons! She would have fallen for emoticons!—and never stopped dating him.

They got married on Thanksgiving weekend last year. I was part of the wedding party. I was on her side, both metaphorically and geographically. I have never seen love like I did then.

WHOA WHERE DID MY POINT GO

Okay, my point is that being in like with someone does not have to supersede the friendship you may or may not establish along the way. I spent years and years pining after this girl, but accidentally ended up forging a friendship I will always have, right here where the heartbeat is. That matters more than my sighs of lament ever did.

That won’t happen for everyone. It’s easy to be bitter, to wish things had turned out more naked between you and your friend, or your ex-friend. But no way is it their fault that you don’t want to be friends anymore. That’s your choice.

tl;dr — friendzone ain’t so bad if you still actually care what happens to the other party. If you don’t, then you don’t, and you wasted everyone’s time, including your own, in the pursuit of fleshly desires.

tl;dr, non-preachy style — love your friends and value that love, you bastards.

(via lusciouschaos)

1 month ago
  1. youraverageantisocialite reblogged this from angels-and-angles
  2. leesahess reblogged this from estellekay
  3. kamikazkei reblogged this from angels-and-angles
  4. cambiaron reblogged this from dailymurf
  5. creatingthereaper reblogged this from heyrrrabbit
  6. ironkiss reblogged this from heyrrrabbit
  7. yaywookies reblogged this from infectioushumanwaste
  8. sataniclovemachine reblogged this from infectioushumanwaste
  9. platonicteamugs reblogged this from bearwithmeimstilllearningwhoiam and added:
    No one said it spoke for an entire gender. The OP was talking about Nice Guys, not each and every man. Your reaction is...
  10. tatooinesuns reblogged this from syntaria
  11. thief-in-the-sky reblogged this from dailymurf
  12. nufar reblogged this from angels-and-angles
  13. heyrrrabbit reblogged this from infectioushumanwaste and added:
    Forever reblog. The concept of owing someone sex because you are friends is absolutely absurd.
  14. pinkturnip reblogged this from infectioushumanwaste
  15. infectioushumanwaste reblogged this from bearbearpdx and added:
    So many of my friends. And I always let them go fuck themselves, in their bitter loneliness.
  16. syntaria reblogged this from lifeiscandy
  17. dulce-sf-schiefer596 reblogged this from kiriamaya
  18. zachy-poo reblogged this from iamawesomesobetterwatchit and added:
    I agree with parts of this. A lot of guys put a lot of work being there for a girl that they like because, it seems...
  19. monsterstarkid reblogged this from angels-and-angles
  20. bittersweetfluidquandary reblogged this from flapjackstate
  21. madladyred reblogged this from flapjackstate
  22. asri-the-dirty-puzzle reblogged this from dailymurf and added:
    Works also with gay and lesbian “friendzones” and yes, if the interested party leaves they could be seen as bastard for...
  23. les-jeux-sont-faits reblogged this from bearbearpdx
  24. iamawesomesobetterwatchit reblogged this from mbaileys and added:
    When you are yourself friend-zoned, it sucks. So all reactions to it are to an extent justified. Nobody thinks...
  25. bitsofstyrofoam reblogged this from pubicbone
  26. lifeiscandy reblogged this from usuallyjusta-tshirt
  27. caughtunawares reblogged this from untoapearl

1 ⁄ 1

- Inkhorn theme powered by Tumblr -